My pride and rebellion just didn't like the way God does things.

Whoever God 'might be,' I had no warm feelings about Him, and though I had heard that there was a heaven and a hell, and I didn't want to go to hell, I stayed constantly angry with God.  My pride and rebellion just didn't like the way God does things. 

Years later, I came to realize that had I submitted to God out of reverence at  a younger age, rather than giving the devil a foothold from all my backed up anger and accusations against God ' things most likely would not have been so difficult for me.   I only say these things because I know there are so many young people (and older people as well) that feel the same about God. 

Because of dyslexia, I had a very difficult time reading.  In fact, I never finished a book or a comic book, or even a full paragraph that I can remember.  By age eight, I essentially stopped learning.  The result was that I felt extremely inferior.  I had very little confidence in my ability to learn, and I became extremely shy. 

By the time I was age 15, I was placed in an institution for teenagers with family problems. However, a number of older guys were also admitted, namely - ex-prisoners, troublemakers, drunkards and drug addicts.
From the first week of my stay there, I was initiated to smoke cannabis, which had a great and immediate impact on me. The following day, I went to town to buy more and from that moment on consumed it in great amounts.  When I was short of drugs, I stole medicines or alcohol. I took as much as I could until I got "high." I sniffed all sorts of powders, took pills as well as LSD. Consequently, I started to get very depressed, paranoiac, and had great anguish of soul.  I was trying to fill a void that seemed to get bigger as years passed by.
I was incapable of working, partially because of my inability to learn and my inability to read.   I began to steal cars, break into stores, drug traffic ' breaking the law - until I was arrested by the police.
One by one, my friends started to die around me from heroin and LSD overdoses, or motorcycle accidents. One of my last friends who was only 32 years old died of premature old age due to metabolic dysfunction.
I began to feel useless and lonely for lack of social interaction.   I pretty much lost all motivation to do anything but stay stoned.
Out of curiosity, I started to practice white magic, and soon enough,  I got involved in occultism. I began to discover my 'spiritual aptitudes' and became interested in oriental mysticism.  I immediately noticed that I had special "powers" - such as the ability to see a person's aura, as well as divination. I was extremely fascinated with these powers, curious to see how far my capabilities could go.  It lead me from white magic to black magic.
In a few months, after the death of a number of people who had spells cast on them, after a NDE (Near Death Experience), a suicide attempt, and a one-week stay in a psychiatric hospital, I decided to change the course of my life.
I stopped taking harmful substances, as well as meat. I tried to remake a good "karma." I was 19 years old then, and assiduously practicing both yoga and sports. I tried to purify my body and spirit but by the end of six months of this intensive regimen.   Where did this all lead?  I arrived with this inner revelation: Living the most dissipated - or the most ascetic life possible - will not draw me an inch closer to God.  Thereafter, I then decided to live an "average" life, which was, in my own point of view, neither too good nor too bad.
I hated Christians. However, one day, I accidentally found myself in one of their meetings. While a young guy was preaching, I saw his aura. I have never seen something as clear, as powerful, as great, as pure. I knew inside me that he had the ultimate spiritual power, and I undoubtedly wanted to possess this power. "Unfortunately," he was talking about Jesus Christ and the Cross!  Nevertheless, I decided not to let him go until I discovered his secret.
I went back to another meeting.  He invited those desiring to receive the power of God to come to the front.  I told myself that it was my opportunity to receive this unlimited power -- to be able to use it as I wish. I went to the front. And there, in my spirit, I felt the presence of Jesus Christ.
At this very moment, I had the inner conviction that I had to make a choice: that of accepting or rejecting Him.  I chose the latter. However, a moment later, God spoke in my spirit and showed me that I had to accept Jesus, because if I insisted on living this kind of lifestyle I had been living, I would only have six months left to live.
Since I had already undergone a NDE, I knew that I wasn't ready to die, and that I had better get right with God or I would be going to a place of much greater torment after I have given up my last breath than anything I could possibly imagine. 
So, in spite of my repulsion of Jesus and the Cross, because I still had demons controlling me, and knowing that I didn't have any choice, really - I put my pride aside and accepted Jesus Christ and His cross in my life, in order to be saved and be set free.
Up to that time, somehow I came to the belief that once a person surrenders their life to Jesus Christ, everything is supposed to go well immediately after that.  Was I ever disillusioned!   Oh sure ' there were some immediate positive changes that took place.  For one, immediately my desire to get stoned on drugs or drink alcohol left.  However, my desire to smoke remained, and I battled that big time.  I was under constant paranoia before giving my life to Christ, and that went away almost immediately as well.  My shyness began to leave and I began to feel comfortable around people, though it was a very slow process.  My ability to learn improved as well.
I gave my life to Jesus in September 1977.  God began a slow healing process in me that still continues to this day ' repairing so many hurts and wounds.   However, I've never been exempt from demonic attacks upon my thought life.  Not long after I got saved, Satan lied to my mind and effectively convinced me for nearly two years that I had 'lost my salvation,' or that I 'had never been truly saved in the first place.'  Another disillusion I had been under was that once a person gets 'saved,' the devil cannot touch them.  (I wasn't able to recognize the importance of putting on the armor of God on a daily basis and using the spiritual weapons God gives followers of Jesus Christ '  as Ephesians 6:10-18 exhorts a Christian believer to do):
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand ..." 
With most people who come from a dysfunctional environment who get spiritually born again, along with healing comes deliverance of demonic strongholds the devil has entrenched in them.  For instance, one of the demonic spiritual strongholds I had was my hate for Germans.   I had picked that up from my Grandmother.  Although I was born 13 years after the second world war, the hate that she had for Germans got transmitted to me, and it had been something that was hard to get rid of, but God finally has set me free from it.  Up until I got delivered of this demonic stronghold, I wouldn't pass out tracts to Germans or even witness to them ' believing that other people were more worthy to receive the Gospel Truth than they were. 
Today, I am immensely grateful to God for His patience, and for not having given up on me; for having "succeeded" in saving me, in spite of myself. Moreover, I give thanks to Jesus Christ who has saved my soul by dying in my place and by paying the consequences of my mistakes, thereby, changing my final and eternal destination.
If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
(2 Corinthians 5:17)

I'm truly a new creation by identifying with our Lord Jesus Christ.  If God says I am, then who am I to say I'm not!  That would be utterly foolish.

I also have power from God to overcome whatever God allows to come my way.  He has promised me His Holy Spirit to overcome the trials that the devil launches against me. 

As the Holy Spirit has been imparting illumination about my painful younger years, and even the trials I've faced since turning my life over to Jesus Christ ' I am now beginning to receive understanding that truly I can thank God for all these 'negative' things, as Ephesians 5:20 exhorts believers to do:

Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ

Until I started giving thanks to God for the environment He placed me in growing up ' rather than judging Him as a cruel ' sadistic God that certain can't be fair or compassionate or caring at all for my welfare, or the welfare of countless multitudes of others who right now are living in much worse conditions around the globe than I could possibly imagine ' I was not able to appreciate the wisdom of God.

The wisdom of God is that NOW I can have more compassion -- now I can more identify with younger people going through heartache and pain --  than ever before.  In fact, I believe God uses our pain to draw us to Him, if we have any fear of God at all. 

Had I grown up in a 'normal' environment ' a 'healthy' environment, having no obstacles to overcome ' I'm sure I would not be able to identify with those who ARE.  And, I'm quite sure that I wouldn't have words that would be useful to God in using me to help others come to realize that life is not fair at all.  Fair is not in God's vocabulary.  Wisdom is in God's vocabulary! 

God has a plan in motion to accomplish at least two things important to Himself: 

1)  Destroy the works of Satan completely.  In destroying the works of Satan, it will be destroying the effects of sin (which is rebellion against God). 

2)  Redeem the souls of people like myself who will determine to past the painful trials God allows Satan to bring against them.  Without opposition, we simply will not become what God desires for us to become.  Without opposition, without hardships, without mountains to climb, without trial after trial to be launched against us ' CHARACTER will not get formed in Christians. 

I speak from experience that it's the easiest thing a person can do is to believe that God does NOT have their best interests at heart.  Anyone can get mad at God.  Anyone can get angry with Him.  He'll allow all kinds of reasons for us to want nothing to do with Him or Christians.  He'll use the devil in the whole process.  Talk about UNFAIR and CRUEL! 

But guess what?  Either God IS wisdom, or He is not.  Either God can be trusted to eventually do away with evil, or He can't.  Either God knows how BEST to build the kind of character He wants formed in us ' or He can't be trusted.  I now realize that trusting Him in all these matters sure brings greater blessing than trying to prove to ourselves that God surely does NOT have the best possible plan to accomplish these two goals. 

See ' from one perspective, I can't even believe I'm saying these things!  Human logic says it's 'insanity!'  Yet because my spirit is in agreement with God's Spirit, and God's Spirit is in agreement with God's Word (holy scriptures) ' I have a peace and confidence this world is incapable of giving a person.  Only God can impart a peace and confidence like I have now been given.  Talk about a 'new creation!'

Join the military and desire to be in the 'special forces' unit.  Your instructors are going to do everything to break your mind and will.  They aren't going to set you in a classroom and smile at you and hand you a bag of popcorn and a beer and tell you that you are one of the most feared soldiers on this planet, just because you have now joined their team.  No ' they want to build CHARACTER in you.  They know it is character that makes crack troops ' not beer and popcorn.  They are going to scream at you, call you worthless, call you a sissy, call you putrid, call you scum ' to see if you will explode in anger and quit.  Their primary objective is to weed out the 'quitters.'  Unfair? Oh yeah!  Cruel and unusual punishment?  Better believe it!  Effective, however?  Has worked since the beginning of the world.

God didn't die for a bunch of 'sissies.'  God died on the cross for a bunch of warriors.  God died for people who will look the hardships life has handed them, and say, 'I will NOT let my past keep me from excelling as a solider in Christ Jesus!' 

God didn't Save you to lose, Christian, nor quit; nor remain angry and critical of God for being so 'cruel' and 'unfair.'  God saved you and me so that we will have the CHARACTER of God formed in us so that we can be trusted to co-reign with Jesus Christ through eternity.  Did you get that? Eternity! 

This life is our training ground to separate the 'men from the boys.'   Some of us will be tested both before and after we become Christians to degrees that will seem like God has personally chosen us to be the blunt of his wrath.  God knows what will cause us to quit on Him, and He knows what will bring us to greater heights in character.  None of us know what God fully has in store for us here in this life as ministers of the Kingdom of God.  Some will have to face greater trials before God sees them qualified to step in the call He has on their lives.  Others won't have to go through such hard trials, because the call God has on their life might not require it. 

The bottom line is that the sooner a person can come to the place where they can tell God and themselves on a daily basis that they have chosen to trust that He has nothing but the very best planned for them in light of eternity, and instead of getting mad at God every time a new trial comes our way ' especially those trials that make absolutely no human sense and are totally unfair! ' (these are some of the most effective 'character building' blocks, I'm discovering) ' this is when a peace and confidence gets imparted to us that is not of this world. 

I haven't arrived at smiling at every trial that comes my way, yet, let me assure you.  But ' I am learning WHY I'm to 'count it all joy' when hell breaks lose in my life.  God is up to something GOOD and WISE.  By faith I accept it as such.  Humanly speaking ' 'logically' examining it ' it's insane and cruel!  But perceiving it in the spirit ' God is allowing it to happen to build HIS character in me.  He's up to something good!  It's a win-win situation, as long as I don't fly off in anger at God.

It is our nature to try to understand God; to try to figure Him out.  God knows what He's about.  God has got Himself all figured out.  He doesn't need us to try to figure Him out.  He wants us to TRUST that He has all the answers ' He has all the power ' He has all the wisdom ' and we are the clay and He is the potter.  If YOU were God, would you make an ugly, worthless clay pot?  I don't think so '

Surrender to Jesus, dear reader, and be patience as God makes your mess into one glorious message that He finds useful to help build the Kingdom of God in the lives of others.  Truly ' what greater miracle could God possible display than to take someone so messed up and so lost as I was, and turn it into a message of hope for others who are lost in hopelessness, just like I was?   And in the process of such a transformation ' build character in me that will bring Him such delightful pleasure throughout eternity.  Yep ' it's a win-win situation!