I did blame myself for many years !

When I was born, my mother was only 15 years old.  Now - years later, and after I went through the process of forgiving her and working through many things - I am now able to look at her life through her eyes ... to try to better understand how she must have felt.  Someone gave me this advice when I was really struggling with all of this.  I was told that maybe I could forgive easier if I try to see her life through her eyes and not the eyes of a hurt child.  You know what?  It helped me greatly!  I can understand her more clearly now. She was not mature enough to take care of herself, much less a baby. So, she would send me here and there to whomever would be willing to take me at that particular time.  Most of the time it was my grandmother.  Several times throughout my life she would decide that she wanted me back, and she would come and uproot me again. I never really knew any stability in my life, and I always felt as if no one really loved me, or wanted me.  I know there are so many across the world who feel the same way.  Perhaps you are one of them ...
At the age of nine, my mother came and got me and took me away from my grandmother.  Up to that point in my life, my grandmothers was the only mother I had ever known, and I was very attached to her.  Anyway, my mother came and took me to Illinois where she lived.  By this time she had remarried, and had two more children by her new husband.  He hated me, and the only reason I could figure out was simply that I was not his child.
Now this was not my fault, although I did blame myself for many years, which is typical of a child in that type of setting.  At first he started just physically abusing me, but at the age of nine that changed; he raped me and this abuse went on until I was thirteen.  I finally told my mother, but she didn't believe me.  Actually - no one believed me.  Finally I just let it drop, and I buried all of those feelings of anger and hate for years.  (That has now all been dealt with and forgiven, and now it is all under the precious blood of Jesus, praise God). I kept telling my mother that I wanted to go back to Memphis to live with my grandmother, and eventually she consented just because she felt I was causing so much trouble: she did not want to be bothered.
By then my grandmother had remarried, and I resented her new husband for "taking her away from me."  Please remember -- I was only a child, and I felt like she was all I had.  In my insecure mind, I had lost her too. I was very hateful to her husband, and caused them both so many problems, yet he was very kind and loving to me.  I just could not accept it, let alone be appreciative of it. 
After a long struggle, Grandmother went to the court system and told the judge that I was out of control; they just could not handle me any longer.  I was then removed and placed in a foster home. 
The home I went to was wonderful, but at that time I could not see things clearly.  All I could see was that the only person who should love me had now turned her back on me as well.  I just wanted my grandmother, so I ran away. The court then really called my bluff, so as a ward of the State of Tennessee I was placed in a Catholic all-girls reform school for three--and-a-half years. There - even our pet Saint Bernard dog was female!
As I now look back at it, I can honestly say it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.  But at that time, all I could see was that I was totally alone ... unloved and unwanted in this great big world.
I'll now jump ahead some in time. In 1987, I lost my three children to their father, and I totally lost it.  I turned heavily to alcohol, and eventually that turned into crack cocaine. By this time I had lost everything, including my dignity, as I had turned to prostitution to support my drug habit. I was arrested several times on various charges, but I was never convicted and I never served any time. I know that God was taking care of me, even back then in my sin.  He saw what I would be one day in Him. I give GOD all the PRAISE, HONOR AND GLORY for all that I am today, and all that He is shaping and training me to be.
The drugs, and my roaming, had taken me too many places ... but on December 20, 1990, I came across a man that told me about Jesus, and how Jesus could deliver and heal me, and make my life an example to others.  I had not eaten in a couple of days, and when he asked me if I was hungry, and I told him I was, he took me to a restaurant and bought me something to eat.
The entire time in the restaurant, he shared about Jesus Christ with me. He told me Christ could and would set me free, if I was willing, and how He (Jesus), would give me a new life without all the pain and turmoil I was living in.  He also said, "Of course being a Christian does not eliminate us from pain, trials and tribulation, but with Christ in our hearts, He will give us the strength to overcome and withstand even in the worst of times."
I began sharing my life story with this man, and he still said, "Jesus is the answer," and boy was he right!
Right there I gave my heart to the Jesus Christ and I decided to live for Him, and serve Him, for the rest of my life.

I had been singing for many years, and I had destroyed my voice through drug abuse; abusing the gifts that God had given me. So I prayed and told the Lord that if He would heal and restore my voice, I would use this gift for His glory for the rest of my life. Now ... God has done exceedingly and abundantly above all that I could ask or think. The songs that I sing, and others that I have written -- they are all His.  I am only an instrument holding the pen. 
It does not matter where you are or what you have done. Christ will come to you and meet you and forgive you ... if, you are willing to let your life go, and let Him be God in your life, and Lord of your life. 
I have had so many miracles in my Christian life, as I am a walking miracle myself!  One of these miracles really stands out to me and I would like to share this with you as well.
About four or five years ago, I was diagnosed with an incurable bowel condition.  The doctors were not real sure what it was exactly, but they had come to the conclusion that with ulcers all through my body and many in my bowel system, they said they wanted to do surgery and remove some of the bowel.  My reply was that I wanted to get prayer for this and that I believed that God was going to heal me, and I would not need the surgery at all.
They went ahead and scheduled me for another scope the following week, just a few days after Christmas. Then on Christmas Eve I placed a long distance call to a minister friend of mine and asked him to pray for me.  He said,  "No problem, but I will need to call you back in a few minutes."
While waiting for him to call back,  I got ten bibles and placed them opened on the floor in a circle, and one opened in the middle of the circle.  There is no significance to the number ten or the circle, but surrounding myself with God's Word was my way of showing that I believed what He said in it about God's power and willingness to heal.
When my minister friend called me back, I knelt on the Bible in the middle of the circle of Bibles and said to him, "Pray!"
When he prayed for me ... the fire of God hit me and went through me!  I had such a peace come over me.
I went over to my bed and fell asleep (Now Adam was put into a deep sleep in Genesis when God removed the rib to create woman). God did the same for me.  As I lay there sleeping, He performed surgery on me to heal my body.
I slept for seventeen hours! When I woke, the bleeding had stopped and so had the pain!  I knew without a doubt that I was healed by the precious hand of the Master.
I was on about $400.00 worth of medicine a month, and I went into the kitchen and threw it all in the trash.  I did go back for the scope when I was scheduled, and the doctors were amazed there were no ulcers anywhere and my bowel disease was gone.  I just praised God for His healing power!
I am now an ordained minister, and love and am so blessed to serve God with all that I have. I know God has put me in this ministry to help others overcome the mountains of hurt and deep valleys of bondages, and to help them learn and grow in their relationship with Him.
I am now a southern gospel singer\songwriter. The Lord has blessed me, and I will continue on this road He has placed me on ... for my desire is only to serve Him. I will travel anywhere I am invited to give my testimony, or to sing, or both. God is wonderful and it is to His glory that I am writing this.  If one struggling soul is reached in any way, then this is worth everything.
As far as my family and children:  I thought I would just share this information on my children, as our family continues to grow.  This is how my relationship is now with my children and grandchildren as of almost 2008.
My oldest daughter, Chrystina'h, is married to Adam. They have three beautiful children: one boy Attisyn, 7 years; Charysma'h, 3 years; and Kaelyn, 1 year. They live in Ontario, Canada and I am now living here with them and enjoying it so much.
My son is my middle child. Jackson is divorced and living in Mississippi.  He has two children: Larissa, a 2 year old; and Raygen, who is 4 years old.
My youngest child, Karina'h, is married to Michael.  They have a daughter; Alissa, 7 years -- and another daughter, Alexis; 6 years. They have a son, Brayson, who was born in May 2007, and we are very excited about it. They also live in Mississippi.
Again I cannot stress enough that this is for the glory of God -- that I am here and that my life is what it is today -- for without Christ we are nothing, but through Him we are joint heirs with Him.  He is our Deliverer, Savior, Helper, and Healer, and any problem we may have is never too great for Him.  We just have to take it to Him and leave it at His feet and in His care. I thank God for His power is still healing, still saving and still delivering. He is good all the time. I have made my mistakes but His grace is sufficient. God loves us and if we truly repent and confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
If I can help anyone out there, please contact me with the contact information provided below.  I will do my best to help in anyway I can. If you have questions about loved ones who may be on drugs or other addictions I will try to answer your questions.  If I do not know the answer, I will do my best to find the answer for you. If you have loved ones that you need prayer for, I will gladly join you in agreeing for that person for the Kingdom.
Please always remember we are human, and we will make mistakes, but just confess to God those mistakes and get them under the blood of Jesus as soon as possible. God still loves us, and He will help us in all of our situations.
God bless and keep you all.  I grant full permission to anyone who can use this testimony to copy it and give it out, or to share it publicly, but please give all the glory and praise to God.  Thank you.  I am your sister in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 4:11 says:  If any man speaketh, speaking as it were the oracles of God; if any man ministereth, ministering as of the strength which God supplieth: that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, whose is the glory and the dominion for ever and ever. Amen!