I was always embarrassed and ashamed !

I was always embarrassed and ashamed of this. I never meant this to happen.  When I grew older, I was sexually abused by a man on the train. Both times I seemed powerless to get away.  These kinds of things one tends to hide away, and my family never knew about them.

My family and I lived in poverty.  And as they were strict, we weren't ever sent to school.  Rather my mom decided to teach us, which was off and on when she was able, since she had depression problems also and our home wasn't functioning well at this time.

We were in an isolated area so I mixed with few outside, until I got to 18, then I left.  I never had been to school but was at an okay level of schooling as I had done high school through a correspondence course they put me on,  so that was a blessing.

Three years before this, my mom and dad divorced in a messy courtroom affair.  In the end I left home and started to work. I was young, stupid and had zero idea of the world. Needless to say I fell into all kinds of trouble, but God was merciful and protected me from a lot worse.

The good thing is that they taught me about God early in my life despite the problems they went through.

I soon met a young girl who I made the mistake of falling in love with.  She was too young and we were both having problems in our lives at this time.

 I had my heart broken by this relationship when she left me and I fell into deep  depression that lasted some years.  I started to want to kill myself.  I attempted two times, but didn't take enough pills to die.

I would stand at a place where I could die in a step, but couldn't quite do it.  Inside - something always held me back.  I was screaming out to die.  I desperately wanted to. There was nothing to live for, I felt.  I had a lot of pain.  I just wanted to die and leave this place.  I felt pointless; it was that I no longer belonged on the earth.

I began to live recklessly in my sport.  I became good at it.  I got into trouble at times.  I was also hit two times by cars.  I wished each time I would die.  But, I was never seriously injured.

Then one day I decided to drown myself, so I was contemplating how at the edge of the jetty.  I was planning to tie myself with something to sink.  I began to feel so desperate that I began to start to call out to God that day.  I don't know why, but I really wanted Him to help me.  Before I didn't try to call out.  I believed in God, but He was a far off reality to me.
I felt a little peace and went home.

But he answered.  About six months later after another semi-serious attempt to poison myself, I came across two testimonies about Jesus from two different people.  As I read them, I started to really believe, and realized I needed to repent and seek Jesus.  I needed to repent of my way of life, put it behind, and come into the love Jesus has for me, and all who are lost in their own sins, pains and troubles. 
About a month or so later I came across a Christian brother on YouTube and he was saying that there was little time left to repent and Jesus was coming soon and we need to seek him in prayer for a relationship.

I was struck to the heart at the reality of Jesus and went and prayed.  I started crying out to Jesus.  I did so for some time.  He heard me. He took away the depression that instant; it never came back.  And he gave me a peace I never had before.  He changed how I was, and changed my heart to stop sinning.

I was rejoicing.  And each day it got better.  I learned more and more. I read the bible and prayed and He started to reveal many things to me.  Previously nothing could have healed my heart and soul. They seemed broken beyond repair.

So I can tell you that only Jesus can help you - not people.  Because He is the only one who can heal a broken soul and heart, and save you from the problems you have brought upon yourself from your own sins.  
Like the woman who was a prostitute in the bible (harlot) and Jesus said "Woman you have shown great love for me, your sins are forgiven you; your faith has saved you; Go sin no more."  Jesus is the same NOW! BUT we 'gotta repent and leave ourselves and REACH OUT!!

Sometimes things get hard, but I no longer have depression and suicidal thoughts anymore. It is all gone.  Instead, the devil tempts me with all kinds of sins to get me to return to my old ways, but I am standing firm and stick with Jesus, otherwise I would fall. Praise to Jesus!

And anyone out there who has been abused and is depressed or going through suicidal thoughts, please seek Jesus with all your heart.  Cry out to him, and he will know you and heal you and keep you and give you peace.  He will help you discover your purpose for being born.