I had no concept of who God was;

When I was real young, I had a newborn sister who only lived a few months.  When she died, it really traumatized me because I had no understanding of death.  Then later in my preteens and early teen years, two of the people I dearly loved passed away -- my grandparents who lived next door.  This also caused confusion and additional emotional scars.

Even though my parents were loving parents and I never did anything to get into serious trouble, I still had an emptiness inside.  Even though I had some friends in high school, I still always felt like I didn't fit in.  I never was able to really get involved in sports.  I felt I wasn't good enough.  I became shy around girls and somewhat withdrawn, afraid of rejection.

My life was full of emptiness and fear.  Even though I had a brother and sisters that I was close to, I still had emptiness inside.

After I graduated from high school, I moved out of state and moved in with my oldest sister who had gone through a divorce.  I held a few different jobs by then, but started drinking and partying a lot, looking for some happiness.  I felt I was a good person.  I didn't get into trouble.  My drinking was confined to home or in the homes of people I knew.  During this time I met my first wife.  We met at work and she invited me to a party at her house.  We started dating and then got married.  We were two people with like problems clinging to each other ' wrong reasons I realize now to enter into marriage. 

Over the next few years our lives became a constant struggle.  We both had a lot of insecurities, and my drinking continued.  She became pregnant with our first child shortly after we were married.  Through fear of being drafted and sent to Vietnam and fear of the new responsibilities my wife and soon-to-be child, I enlisted in the Navy. 

Even though I thought it would help me, it just became a kind of escape from reality and the emptiness that I had inside.  In fact, it actually caused even greater problems in our marriage.  My drinking became heavier and I had wandering eyes, always looking at other women.  I didn't think anything was wrong.  I wasn't having any affairs, but later on in my life I learned that the Bible teaches 'that when we look at a woman with lust in our hearts we have committed adultery already.' 

My thinking of other women also led to a lot of jealousy and even greater insecurity in my wife, which then led to what I thought at the time was a lot of nagging and accusations that I used as an excuse to continue drinking and spending time away from home.

My Navy career wasn't anything very impressive.  Three of our four children were born during this time and even though they were bright spots in my life, I really didn't know how to love them and be there for them.  It was my wife, even though she had her own emotional problems, who somehow managed to keep our family together and see that our children were taken care of. 

I got out of the Navy and thanks to my wife's mother, we had a place to stay.  I found work and eventually we found a place of our own.  Thanks to my wife we managed to have a life.  I poured myself into work and she took care of managing our home.  I still continued to drink, but not as heavy as I did in the Navy.  I managed to alienate my family from my wife by putting on a front and blaming her for a lot of my problems.  This caused even more of a gulf between her and I. 

Our fourth child was born during that time.  Then in 1984 my dad passed away from a battle with cancer.  I hadn't seen him in over three years so this caused even greater pain in my life.  We began to argue about me going home because we didn't have any money.  After Dad passed,  my family made arrangements for me to come to Michigan for the funeral.  I left leaving my wife and kids to fend for themselves. 

I was devasted from the loss of my dad.  I really loved him, and had all kinds of guilt because of not seeing him those three years.  My family tried to console me.  I managed to make it through and started opening up a little bit.  Inside I was feeling every kind of emotion...fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, aloneness, low self-esteem, questioning God, 'Why?'  I had built walls around me and I was not letting anything get in.  I was putting on a false front.  It was too painful otherwise. 

I stayed for about two weeks, then returned home, but things had changed.  I no longer even had room in my heart for my wife and kids.  After fighting with my wife one night, I left and moved into a motel. 

I was a total mess emotionally (and of course, spiritually).  My wife would call me at work and we would argue and then I would have a hard time working.  I was emotionally bankrupt.

During this time I was hanging out at a bar and met a gal. We started sleeping together -- two people just using each other to fill a void in our lives.  Finally one day I just totally broke down and the only thing I remember about that day was calling my mom, pleading for help.

They made arrangements for a member of my family to come and get me and take me to Michigan.  My mother began helping me to try to get some semblance of order and stability back in my life. 

Eventually, through my youngest sister, I met another woman who later became my second wife.  She is a good woman. She helped bring back some happiness and desire to start living again.  She attended a church once in awhile and I started going with her.  I still hadn't surrendered to God, but a little bit of light started shining in my life during that time.

I Pretty Much Turned My Back On My Wife and Kids ... Sadly

There was still a lot of turmoil going on in my life however.  I had pretty much turned my back on my other wife and kids, sadly.  I moved in with my new girlfriend and was faced with even more struggles.  She became pregnant and we were waiting for my divorce to become final so we could get married.

After we married the struggles of having stepchildren now was adding to the turmoil I had going on inside, but through them I started to understand a little bit about loving others.  The hardness in my heart started softening a little.  Some of the emptiness that I had been feeling started going away.  I still wasn't living my life for God but I started understanding a little bit, and started searching and asking questions about spiritual matters. 

Then our little daughter was born.  It was like God was giving me another chance at a family and she became the light of my life. 

Between 1986 and 1987 my world was turned upside down again.  Something from my past caught up with me and I went to prison for it.  I became an emotional wreck again.

At the county jail in Lake County, Illinois - being engulfed by a bleak darkness in my life - seeing no hope and totally giving up - I signed up for a church service.  I needed something to grab hold of to escape the dark world I found myself in. 

An officer called us prisoners out for the service.  There was a man there whose name was Bruce, talking about the love of God and that no matter what we have done, that God would forgive us.  He shared that 'God sent His son Jesus to die for our sins.'  Then like a silver thread of light from the past, a scripture I had memorized as a little boy at one of the times I had gone to church with my grandmother, came flooding back:

'For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosever believes in Him, will not perish, but will have eternal life.'  (John 3:16). 

Like a drowning person, I clung to that scripture like a life-ring tossed out into the ocean.  When Bruce gave the invitation to come forward to turn our lives over to Jesus Christ if we wanted to, I went forward and he led me in what is commonly known as the sinner's prayer.  I gave (committed) my life to Jesus Christ.

It was like a new day had dawned in my life.  I felt a change inside of me. The fear of what lay ahead of me left and a ray of light started shining into the dark world that had been built around me through the years.  Bruce helped me get a pocket size New Testament Bible.  He also gave me his address so I could signup for Bible studies when I got to where I was going.

From That Moment On I Could Sense God's Presence

From that moment on I could sense God's presence in my life.  I started reading the Bible and talking to others about what had happened to me.  Even though I didn't know much about the Bible, God used me to lead my first person to salvation in a two-man cell at Joliet Prison while waiting to be transferred to the place I was to spend the rest of my prison time.  His name was Tony.  He was involved in one of the big Latino gangs in Chicago.  He was scared and tired of everything that was going on in his life.  We started talking about the Bible and I told him I didn't know much, but I shared with him what had happened to me.  We had managed to get ahold of a couple of Bibles.  I told him to start reading in the Book of John. 

That night, after I had done some devotional time, I went to sleep.  The next morning when I got up, I learned that Tony had stayed up most of the night and had read the book of John all the way through to the end of the Book of Romans.  He told me he wanted to accept Jesus into his heart so I led him in the sinner's prayer that was in my little pocket Bible. 

That really became the turning point in my life.  God used that moment to put a conviction in my heart to really start studying His word, so He could use me more often to help others come to peace with God (the Father; when the Bible refers to 'God,' it oftentimes is referring to the person of the Father, and at other times it is referring to all three persons of the godhead) by being reconciled back to Him in good standing by the death of Jesus Christ on the cross for their sins.   

I don't know what happened to Tony.  I was transferred a few days later to Lincoln Correctional Facility.  I do know one thing though. God was there that day in a two-man cell at Joliet Prison, and that put a purpose inside of me that I had never had before.  From that day on ' I knew that being used to help win souls to our heavenly Father by turning one's life over to the Lord Jesus Christ is more important than any job ' any career ' any amount of money a person can make ' any heroic medals a person can earn -  any political position or political exploits a person can execute on behalf of their country.  The Bible said that as a child of God, I was now an Ambassador for Christ (2 Cor. 5:20).  No other person on this planet is given that title other than those who have committed their lives to faithfully serving Jesus Christ.  It is the most important responsibility (or ministry) God has for any person to do on His behalf ' and they will be rewarded throughout eternity for how diligent they were in serving out that Ambassadorship in accordance with God's will for their life. 

I spent 21 months at Lincoln fervently seeking and serving God during this time, studying God's word and doing correspondence Bible studies.  I talked to the chaplain and was able to be water baptized.  Also during this time God also set me free from smoking.  I haven't had the desire to smoke since that time.

My wife stuck by my side during all this time, even though because of the great distance I was from her, she was only able to visit me twice during the 21 months. 

I was paroled back to Michigan where I poured myself into serving God and my family.  I worked for a gas station chain and worked my way up to take over a station in Hastings, Michigan.  We started attending the Hastings Assembly of God where I started pouring my life into the church and my new job. 

We struggled with places to live on what I was making and also I was starting to struggle at church because my job was consuming all of my time.   Finally I was blessed with a job in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  Through someone who attended at the church, we were finally able to afford a better place to live. 

Even though I was serving God, regrettably I hadn't surrendered everything to Him.  This ultimately led to my wife leaving me, which really devastated me again.  I moved back to Muskegon and stayed with my oldest sister and her husband.  They had taken over our parent's home to help out my mother.  God had a purpose for this because during that time my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I spent a year there and was able to spend time with her.  She went through treatment and was in remission.  I then was blessed with an apartment only a couple of blocks from my work in Grand Rapids.  Consequently, I moved to Grand Rapids instead of driving back and forth every day to work. 

I Started A Journey That Led To Heavy Drinking Again

I had still attended church at different places once in awhile, but my commitment to the Lord began wavering.  As Jesus warns in Matthew 13:22 and Mark 4:19, the cares of this world began to choke out my relationship with the Lord.  My preoccupation with the distractions the devil wanted me focused on began to put out the fire I had to serve and obey God.  Here I was divorced and living all by myself.  Loneliness began to overwhelm me.  My faith in God and in the promises in His Word diminished.  In my weakness and lack of understanding of the intensity that demonic powers fight to constantly try to lead a person onto another path that leads away from the living God, I started a journey that led to heavy drinking again.  Eventually ' for all practical purposes, I turned my back on God again.  I didn't stop believing He existed, but my desire stopped in developing a daily, personal relationship with Him. 

Part of the catalyst the devil used for my backsliding had to do with my older sister and her cancer.  After being in remission for a while, the cancer reappeared and spread into her lymph nodes.  She finally grew weary of the battle and gave up -- passing away.  This caused great confusion and anger and doubt in my faith about the goodness of God.  (It took me years later to realize that people who lose loved ones are sometimes the most vulnerable in becoming angry and bitter at God ' which Satan just absolutely delights in seeing happen, because it gives him much greater latitude to feed lies to the living 'That God is not a 'good' God at all ' otherwise He would not have allowed that person you loved so much to die ' now would he?!'  Satan will diligently seek to use every hurt and pain in our life, many of which he directly is responsible for no less, to tempt us to believe that God is not a 'good God' ' a 'caring God' ' a 'listening God' ' a 'merciful God' - a 'loving God' ' and if we bite on any of these temptations (I've only named some of the most common) ' it usually puts us on paths that lead away from God, which then contributes to shipwrecking our faith in one degree or another in God and the promises in His Word for us.

It has taken me many years and much pain to realize that just because we become a born again Christian doesn't mean life becomes all 'bliss' after that.  On the contrary ' becoming born again actively enlists us in what I like to call a 'spiritual Vietnam conflict' and that joining some imaginary 'Navy' will not help us keep our joy.  You may be saved now that you are a born again believer, I discovered, but Satan is going to keep you as much of a 'handicapped soldier of God' that he can to make sure you are no threat to his influence on this planet, and I've discovered God has given him a lot of say in the matter.  That is not to put fear on anyone ' it is meant to exhort believers to learn everything they can learn about Ephesians 6:10-18 (putting on the Armor of God as needed).  

In the next few years I began wandering through life again with that feeling of being totally alone.  Drinking constantly and going to bars to try to pick up women, but because of my emotional state and something inside of me, I was kept from doing it.  I never felt I belonged.  I could be in a crowded bar with people I knew and still feel totally alone.  I would spend large sums of money trying to buy and surround myself with people, yet still something was missing in my life. 

I became restless with my job and my life.  I started looking around for a part-time job and answered an ad for Menards that was going to be opening a short distance away.  I was hired and started to put myself into both jobs. Finally from the stress of working two jobs and trying to function on only about four hours of sleep, I quit the real good job I had and went full time at Menards, making half of what I was making before.

The Bible teaches:  'that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.' (See: James 1:8 -- Being 'double minded' essentially boils down to trying to please and obey God [on the occasions we try to please and obey Him, which can be rare for many] . . . by our own intellect and abilities rather than diligently seeking to learn how to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in helping us in our relationship with God).  The next few years I was up and down in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  There were times of drinking and partying and then a drawing back into the Bible.  During this time my mother passed away and even though I grieved, I was able to handle it better than when my sister passed.  I also found out through one of my sisters that she had turned her heart back to Jesus before stepping into eternity. 

After that, I started reflecting again on my life.  I started making some changes. I turned away from the bar scene and started to look at things differently.  Even though I wasn't serving God in church, I still believed in Him and had some knowledge of the scriptures.  That is what kept me going and set me on a path of coming back to Him, I can only assume.

As I reflect back, I can see God's hand has been on my life.  He has shown me that He has never left nor forsaken me, just as His Words says.  I was blessed with an opportunity to get back with my first wife.  She moved to Michigan with me and we got remarried. 

Everything seemed okay at first, but some of the things I had not surrendered completely to God ' allowing Him to strip them out of my life - started creeping up again.  The consequences of giving into temptations again of my sinful nature ' again led me back to prison.

Now ' looking back on my life, I see that even though I have not been serving Him the way I should, no matter what I have done, no matter what I have been through, He has let me know in subtle ways He was always there waiting for me to totally surrender . . . because He had a plan for my life that would bring peace and joy that I would never be able to discover any other way.

In reflection . . . you would see me as a person that once didn't even know there was a God, or even cared if He did exist, for the most part.  A life full of confusion, anger, hurt, bitterness, resentment, rebellion, unfaithfulness, lack of trust, a lustful heart, a father who allowed his children to be at the mercy of the world.  A husband who committed adultery and blamed my wife for a lot of my problems.  Left his family to flounder and fend for themselves.  A man at times who would drown his sorrows with booze and hanging out in bars.  I could be in a crowd but still feel all alone and unloved.  A man who at times was really serving God and then would fall away because I was trying to serve Him in my own strength and not relying on the help and strength of the Holy Spirit.  I have caused a lot of pain and sorrow in my family.  I have experienced a lot of pain and remorse for the things I have done and the way I turned my back on God.  But God is merciful and loving and waiting for us to come to Him, or in my case, come back to Him. 

But now comes the REST of the story 

God in His infinite mercy and wisdom - who knew me before I was ever born ' He knew what it was going to take in my life to draw me to Himself completely.  He has chosen this time in my life to reveal Himself to me.  I find that I have a peace inside, a peace I have never known before in my life.  I have a love that is very deep; that is so deep that when anybody says something critical to me or about me, all I can think of is that person must really be hurting and crying out for love.  Instead of getting upset or angry, I just walk away and pray for them that God would touch their heart and life.

I know what it feels like to be hurting and feel truly unloved, even when we are surrounded by those who love us.  I had built walls around me and would not let that love get in, so I would always feel alone and unloved.  But I truly know that God's love can break down those walls.  The Bible teaches us in John 8:31-32: 

'If you abide in My Word, you are my disciples indeed.  And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.'

God's Word was never meant to be argued over, or become angry and bitter about.  It is spiritual food, meant to be feasted on, among other reasons God has given us His Word.  God will feed your hungry and thirsty soul as you abide in His Word ' amazingly, even when you don't fully understand it.  Good, healthy food is flat good, healthy food, no matter where it comes from or how it is prepared. 

Once I really surrendered myself to this truth, then accepted the other truths in God's Word that, 'all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, 'and then the blessed truth that the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus, who became sin for those who commit their lives to Him so they become the righteousness of God in Him (see 2 Corinthians 5:21 for this incredible swap God gave us, if you've never heard about it!) - who took away my reproach and condemnation, even that feeling of aching loneliness ' how it pains me at times to think back at how I let Satan pull me away from God during my times of pain instead running closer to God to be delivered and healed of it.   

The Bible further promises in Romans 8, starting in verse 33:  Who shall bring a charge against God's elect?  (Those who have truly committed their lives to Jesus Christ are 'the elect' being spoken of here).  Who is he who condemns?  It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril , or sword?   

Then in verse 38-39 it again promises:  For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

When I felt so unloved, God showed me how much He loved me by what He did at the cross for me through Jesus.  When these storms were raging in my life and everything was in turmoil, He spoke into my life and brought peace.  When I was hurting, He let me see and feel how much He hurt for me.  When I failed at things, He showed me that He was unfailing and faithful so I could learn to be faithful. 

He has become everything that was lacking in my life so that I could learn to live the life that He really desires for me to have.  His love has really come alive in my life.  The evidence of it is that I am able to love my family and those around me so much easier no matter how they treat me or don't show love back, instead of becoming hurt and bitter at them for not treating me the way I would hope they would treat me.

I know that even if I am lacking in material things, I am truly rich in the things He has given me:  Joy, peace, love, patience, and a true desire to love others and share all that He has given me.  I truly know that He blesses us in one sense so that we can be a blessing to others. 

God has given me a vision and desire to help others in and out of prison.  I know that as I surrender my will to Him, He will fulfill His desires in my life in His own timing.  Right now He continues to build me up and teach me the things I need for Him to accomplish His will in my life, and I'm trying my best to take advantage of this time in prison to learn and grow in the knowledge of His ways and His Word so that I can help others realize that while in prison, they actually can have fewer distractions than those on the outside of prison, and that if they will make the best use of all their time in prison to learn all they can from God's Word and live out the principles the Bible teaches in the difficult environment the prison setting is ' God will truly bless them for it, especially in eternity.  Prison is perhaps the greatest mission field in America, and although I appreciate every Christian volunteer who comes into prison to help people grow spiritually, it is us inside of prison who can build important relationships with other inmates that is often needed before someone will commit their life to Christ.  

When we look in the Bible ' anybody God decided to use, He took them through a time of testing and refinement first so they would be able to accomplish His will through their lives later on.  Of course these times of testing and refinement can hurt, but God gives us the strength and determination to get through them.  They make us a better and stronger person.  The bravest and most courageous soldiers in the military never get a chance to prove themselves (because their strengths and weaknesses have yet to be closely examined by their leaders) until they first go through testing, training and refinement (pain!) and pass.  The 'army of God' is no different.  None of us truly know of our weaknesses until we are tested sufficiently. 

I truly thank Him for His mercy and comfort He is giving me through this time of 'training.'  He has truly been expanding my understanding and clarity of mind as I draw closer to Him through prayer, study and meditation of His Word, and fellowshipping with other Christian believers here inside of the prison.

I have come to understand what it means in His Word in Matthew 6:33 where it says:

'' But Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.' 

Our pursuit of cooperating with the Holy Spirit in helping build the Kingdom of God (which is helping others come to the Salvation knowledge of Jesus Christ and then engage in the discipleship process of helping them grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ and knowledge of the Word of God) in the lives of other people is what it means to 'seek first His Kingdom.'  Our cooperation with the Holy Spirit to walk in obedience to God by obeying the full counsel of His Word ' fulfills the mandate of 'seeking His righteousness.'

'These things' that He promises will be added to us if we 'seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness ' what has He given me that money couldn't possibly buy?   Love, joy and peace ' that words can hardly adequately describe, for starters.  Faith ' that I can hear correctly from the Holy Spirit and pray down spiritual strongholds that He assigns me to pray against that hinder others from coming to God and growing in God.  Purpose ' that I am privileged to work with the Army of God in helping rescue lost souls from eternal damnation.  Encouragement ' to others here inside prison who have walls of discouragement so thick and high around them that the darkness inside their souls dims the brilliance of the noonday sun and a blue-sky day.  Hope ' that I never knew existed.  Joy ' that is not of this world.  A smile ' when so many have so little to smile about in the dark world they live in inside these prison walls.

And you know what?!  God has also has blessed me in some special ways that to some, may seem simple and insignificant, but to an inmate . . . can mean a lot.  A bar of soap, a cup of coffee, or a sweet snack one in awhile.  When you seldom have those things, as they are hard to come by without money in prison, you learn to treasure items like that ' simple things that you never think much about outside of prison. 

I also praise Him for giving me a bunk by a window to have fresh air at night and sunlight during the day.  Sometimes we can take the simple things God blesses us with for granted.  I can't thank Him enough, or praise Him enough!   My cup runs over with His love, and I hope somehow ' I can make His cup run over as well, somehow, someway ' if such a thing is possible. 

The following is a way for me to try to sum up feelings I've known in the past, and how I feel now: