Most of my crimes were burglaries and theft !

A few days after I turned 20, and the night before my daughter was born, I stole stuff out of someone's car to pawn for dope. When my daughter was only a few weeks old, I was arrested for that theft, and ended up getting sentenced to seven years in the Nevada State prison system. Once I started serving hard time, I met up with all the wrong people to ensure that I would learn enough to stay in trouble (and to keep me coming back to prison) each time I'd finally get out.

After serving three years, I was released on parole to my wife, which had since moved to California. She didn't stand by me through my whole sentence, and I had never expected her to. She had put herself through college; had a good job, and was raising our daughter as a single mother.  But for some reason she thought she should give me another chance, and that our daughter should be allowed to get to know me.

As much as I was capable of 'loving' anyone, I loved my family.  But once I was back to using heroin, that love became secondary to my need for oblivion.

Things were going okay at first. I got a job; I started taking college classes (I'd gotten my GED while in prison), and I tried to stay clean. But within weeks of being back on the street, I was drinking. Then I started using dope again, which led me back to stealing. It was getting pretty hard to hide my actions from my wife and things were getting tense at home. As much as I was capable of 'loving' anyone, I loved my family. But once I was back to using heroin, that love became secondary to my need for oblivion.

When I met someone that didn't care what kind of trouble I was getting into, I started having an affair with her. When Kim found out, that was the end of my marriage. She left the area, took my daughter with her and I didn't see either one of them again for almost nine years.

By this time, Kim was no longer walking with the Lord, and had come to the point where she questioned even the existence of Him. Me -- I didn't give Him much thought at all, at least if I could help it. At one point, I even spent time in a desert compound with a group of Satanists. It was extremely difficult to extract myself from their grip, and there was serious violence involved just to escape their clutch.

I spent the next 14 years, between 1986 and 2000, in and out of various jails and prisons ' mostly in rather than out. (And almost a total of three of those years were spent in solitary confinement, where I was kept in a very small cell, allowed out no more than an hour a day; having limited access to books or television, and was checked on by guards every hour).

By the time I was 37, I had spent a total of about 15 of my adult years 'doing time'. Most of my crimes were burglaries and theft, always committed to support my heroin habit. Whenever I'd be released, I'd find a job and work for awhile. But before too long I wouldn't earn enough from working a job to keep myself in drugs, so I'd turn once again to theft. And eventually, I'd always get caught. And once again, I'd be behind bars.

The few times I'd be back on the street for any length of time, I didn't try to support my daughter, or even spend much time with her. In 1995, after not having seen Angela or Kim for nine years, I was given another chance to be in their lives. I was doing a long stretch at Vacaville CMC, where I had earned my way into the fire training program. Out of the blue I received a letter from Kim, and after communicating for a few months, she made the trip to Vacaville and brought Angela to get reacquainted with me. My daughter was 12 years old, and I hadn't seen her since she was three and a half. Kim and Angela stayed in touch with me for about a year while I was at CMC, even moving from Washington State to be near Vacaville and closer to me. We attempted reconciliation, but it was based on dishonesty. Kim thought I'd finally become a Christian, and after awhile, it became obvious I was (once again) just playing at it.

Before she had moved to be near me, she received a message from the Lord about me. It was the one and only time in her life that she actually heard the voice of God. The words He spoke to her are a private thing (it's her story to tell if she ever chooses to), but it had to do with me and my service to Christ. When it became noticeable to Kim that I wasn't really walking with the Lord, she was once again tested in her faith. By the time I was released from that sentence, we were only briefly in contact, and Kim and Angela had moved to a small town a few hours away. By now, Kim's trust in God had been pretty much broken, and she didn't find it again completely until very recently.

After serving almost ten years at five different prisons in both Nevada and California, I was released. I spent a few months working, but I managed to get put back into prison for violating parole (not reporting to my parole officer). After I served that time, I was again out for a short while before eventually getting back into drugs and committing crimes to support my habit. I would visit with my daughter occasionally, and Kim and I were on speaking terms, but my love for both of them wasn't enough to keep me out of trouble. There were so many broken promises in our relationship that I thought it was past the point of being fixable. I was living in a vicious cycle, with most of my entire adult life in bondage to heroin, and behind bars. I had even over-dosed on drugs four times in my life. I would come near death and be hospitalized, but then I'd always end up crawling back into my addictions.

I could write page after page of all the terrible things I've done as I was about as foul as a person could be. I would excuse my actions by reasoning that there were worse people. I'd certainly met my share of them! But there were always lines that I wouldn't cross, evil deeds that I wouldn't commit. I never raised my hand to a woman or hurt a child. I never dragged Kim or Angela down into my addictions with me (and Kim would always leave me to my misery as soon as she'd realize what kind of trouble I was getting into). The one thing I wouldn't do was to have another child.

I had married someone while I was in prison that wanted to have kids with me, but in my heart it was Kim and Angela who were my 'true' family. I couldn't in good faith break that bond, however fragile it was, and if I was going to be a father to anyone, it was only Angela that I could reserve that type of love for. It wasn't much, I wasn't much, but I did, at least, hold that as sacred.

My other marriage was never blessed, as I ended up marrying the girl I'd been having the affair with. In my heart I hated the both of us for tearing my family apart, and while I accepted much of the blame, I also laid it on her. We married while I was doing time for a crime that I committed against her father -- a burglary that I confessed to him in writing about and was arrested, tried, and given a 16 year sentence for (which included some additional years tacked on from another Nevada sentence). I think she felt guilty that her dad had me sent to prison, and I just wanted the conjugal visits during this long stretch. The marriage didn't last, but it did add more guilt to my already heavy load.

While I could never physically hurt a helpless person, or place my loved ones in the middle of the dangers I chose to live, I had no problem being in combat with other men. There was hate residing in my heart, and I was living in anger and ready to be on the defense. I always managed to justify my actions, though, and I continued to bring pain and destruction everywhere I went.

In 2001, I was sentenced to 20 years for another burglary with an added escape charge (I didn't return back to a county jail for sentencing after a judge had given me an emergency family leave pass). I ended up in Tehachapi Level 4 (180 design), which is about as bad a place as a person could end up in (without being in a Secure Housing Unit such as Pelican Bay). I got into a situation while at Tehachapi that nearly got me killed and almost forced me into doing the same. I ended up 'locking up' - going to the 'hole' and going through the process of being classified 'sensitive needs.' That's a designation that is used for gang member drop-outs; people with enemies or people who can't go to the 'mainline' for who they are or what they've done (former cops and judges, celebrities, rapists and child molesters). I even tried to commit suicide while I was in the hole by biting through the vein in my arm and almost bleeding to death. I thought that I had hit rock bottom.

I was transferred to Pleasant Valley Level 4 (270 design). It was there that I finally derailed. I was making and drinking booze, doing drugs (not a hard thing to come by in prison) and burning people out of money on the yard. I got into numerous mutual combats (fist fights), and had the vast majority of the inmates hating me. So not only had I hit rock bottom in prison, I even hit rock bottom at the very bottom of the prison barrel.

I was also pretty sick while doing time at Pleasant Valley. I had a pacemaker put in before I was 40, contracted Valley Fever (twice) and even tested positive for Hepatitis C. I finally quit using heroin (yes, I had even kept up my habit in prison) in about 2003 (Mostly because I couldn't afford it, and I had no more 'credit' with the dealers). My troubles with the other prisoners (skinheads), was getting out of control. Lines were drawn (those lines that I wouldn't cross for any person, for any reason) and there was nothing but hate on both sides. Attempts were made on my life often, which I always managed to come out ahead on. I lived every moment looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next attack, and being prepared for it when it came.

It was about this time that I even tattooed what was meant to be a 'death mask' on my entire face...

The skinhead 'shot caller' was constantly sending someone to attack me, and I figured that at some point they would finally end up killing me, or cause me to kill one of them. I could at least leave this earth with my face prepared for burial. I had nothing left to live for, and other than a built-in survival instinct, I had gotten to the point where I couldn't even find a reason to bother trying anymore. I had been brought to the lowest point in my entire rotten life.  After many awful deeds (and some grisly stories to go with it), God repeatedly bailed me out. Yet I never thanked God, but only continued in sin, thinking that I had bailed myself out on each occasion by my own cleverness.

I hadn't seen or spoken to Kim for years, even though I would sometimes write to her, and I always managed to send her a birthday card every year. Year after year, with no response back from her.  I'd long ago used up my 'last chance' with her. I knew by now that of all the women I'd been with in my life, she was the only true love I'd ever known; the one woman whom I compared everyone else to, and I had lost her completely. Though I realized that I'd never deserved her love, I never stopped loving her (as much as I was capable of loving anyone). My heart was pained, knowing that I was the cause of bringing so much hurt and suffering into her life.

Kim's mother, Julia (who was like a second mother to me), had also pretty much quit staying in contact with me. But since all I ever did was ask her for money, I didn't hold it against her. I hadn't seen my own mother in years (since 1998 when I overdosed in her kitchen), and I was ashamed to call myself her son. The only person who had kept in any kind of contact with me was Angela. She would write encouraging letters, but what did I have to be encouraged about? Even when I became a grandfather (in 2005), I couldn't see the joy in that. If I had been a loser as a father, I certainly wouldn't win any prizes as a grandfather! I had never even met my granddaughter, Athena. Throughout my last sentence, for seven years, I received only one visit from my family. It was from Angela and Julia (in 2002, while I was at Tehachapi). By the time I had covered my face in ink, I had seriously doubted that I'd ever see any of my family again.

I didn't blame them for not having much to do with me. I'd been a terrible husband, a horrible father, a non-grandfather, a sad excuse for a son, and no ones' friend. I figured that everyone who had ever cared for me would be better off without me, and I felt sure that they thought the same. The only people in my life that I had ever cared about were all disgusted with me, and for good reason. I was disgusted with myself! The life I was living couldn't even be called a 'life.' My days and nights were spent in an abyss of darkness, and all I could see looming before me was year after year of more hell and torment. My violence and anger were escalating, my dark thoughts had turned to anarchy, and my sins weighed so heavy upon me that I was suffocating in them. I had spent almost my entire life as Satan's minion, and I was paying the price.

On February 9, 2007 at about 1:30am, I was awakened to my cellmate slicing into my side with a razor. This ensued with a fight in the cell and in the process enough noise was made to draw the attention of the guards. There were no lights on, so I wasn't even totally aware of what had taken place. When the guards shined their flashlight through the bars, I saw my cellmate lying on the floor and I realized that there was blood all over the place. Then I realized it was my blood.

I had been severely wounded and was life-flighted to UMC Fresno. My cellmate had sliced me open from the center of my abdomen to my side, in three very long, deep cuts. The blade went all the way into my lung, and my blood pressure was dropping fast. The medic that was on the flight with me told me to remain calm or that I would die. If my heart pumped out much more blood, they wouldn't be able to save me.

Strangely enough, I was calm. While adrenaline should have been at its height, I had slipped into a state of consciousness that I can't really explain. It felt as if a hand were laid over my chest, gently holding me down and keeping me from panic.

In fact, I knew that I wasn't going to make it and it didn't even bother me ' because as I lay there bleeding to death, my life played itself out before my eyes.

On my way to the hospital I was pretty sure I was going to die. In fact, I knew that I wasn't going to make it and it didn't even bother me ' because as I lay there bleeding to death, my life played itself out before my eyes.  What I saw literally crushed me to the depths of my soul.

My vision was filled with me causing misery and loss to the only people who had ever loved me. There was not one good thing that I had ever done that I could be proud of. Not one single kindness that didn't come for any reason without a motive.  I had lied, schemed, and taken advantage of every single person that I had ever come in contact with. I was shown the depths of my depravity and I was hideous in my own sight. I couldn't bear to feel the weight of my own anguish and I wanted to die. I wanted to escape the torture of seeing the wasted and ruthless life I had led.

I didn't even call out to God for His mercy. I plainly saw that I didn't deserve any, as I was as wretched an excuse for a human being that ever lived. I had spent my life serving the master of destruction, and I could smell his putrid breath upon me. I knew I was destined to spend an eternity in hell ' suffering for all my past sins, and I felt Satan waiting to welcome me into his pit of death 'where there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth.'

I just shut my eyes, and wished myself dead.

I woke up in a recovery room, with 91 staples in my side and abdomen. I can't say that I was relieved at the time, or even happy about it. I was kept on pain meds and in the hospital for a week, which I don't remember much of. I was alive, but I really didn't understand why. What possible reason could there be for me to still be on this earth? I never asked for a second chance. I had just wanted to crawl like the miserable creature I was into death and oblivion. So why was I still here?

The next few months were spent in a kind of purgatory. It was a place of suffering for my past misdeeds. I was miserable, and I was pretty much just in a fog. When I was sent back to the prison I was placed into the hole, as I was now deemed a threat to the safety and security of the institution. I was put up for transfer to a couple of real bad spots: Salinas Valley or Kern Valley. Instead, I ended up at Mule Creek. While other prisoners were waiting over eight months to transfer out to other prisons, and where no one was getting transferred to Mule Creek (it is a very hard prison to get into), I was transferred here within six weeks. It was the best prison I could have hoped for, for a number of reasons.

Transferring into Mule Creek, I was put on orientation status and placed in a cell by myself. The first person I spoke to there was a Christian man named Mike Perry. He welcomed me to Mule Creek and put a book under the door of my cell called The Sovereignty of God, by A.W. Pink. I opened the pages of that book with a heart as heavy as the stone it was. But as I began reading, I could feel the Holy Spirit moving in my very being, and it broke me! I was convicted to the depths of my soul and I sobbed on the floor of my cell for hours. I cried for mercy, and I asked the Lord to come into my life and create a new man in me. I gave every wretched thing that I had been and every foul deed that I had done up to Jesus, and I begged Him to cleanse me in His blood.

I spent what seemed like forever asking for forgiveness, and I prayed that I would have the chance to make amends for the life I had lived before. I asked that He would make me worthy of this last chance I'd been given, to use me as a vessel for His glory and honor. I felt the pure and gentle love He has for me wash me in its warmth, and I felt alive for the first time in my entire life!

I was filled to the brim with a sense of joy, peace and love. It was the most holy and powerful feeling I had ever experienced, or even knew existed. When I finally made it up off the floor, I came up a different man. I came up forgiven. I came up with a heart of flesh. The stone that was my old heart was broken by God. He replaced it with atrue heart, one that understands Godly sorrow, compassion, mercy and love ' 'if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of truth, and they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.' (2 Tim 2:25-26)

'And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.' (Eph 2:1-10)

I believe in one God. I believe He sent His Son in the flesh as a sacrifice to atone for the sins of mankind. I believe that He died and I believe that He arose from the dead and in doing so is our conduit to God. If a man believes in Jesus Christ and asks Him to come into his heart and guide his life, if he confesses his sins and repents of them, then that man is saved. He is sanctified and redeemed by the Blood of Christ!

I am walking in the redemption of the Lord now, and He continues to bless me every single day in ways beyond imagination. I have wonderful men that I am blessed to be in fellowship with daily -- brothers that I have come to love, and to be loved by. We encourage each other, study God's Word, lift each other up in prayer, and witness for our Lord each and every day behind these prison walls. At other prisons I've been in, Christians are attacked and even killed for trying to go into a church service. The gangs that run those institutions do not want men to be saved, as it would take away some of their 'business.' At Mule Creek, where God has seen fit to place me, I am free to attend any church service or function without fear of reprisal. I'm grateful that I was placed here where I can be a living testimony for my Lord to the other prisoners.

When I asked Jesus to come into my life, I didn't ask Him for anything but His mercy and forgiveness. My joy was in Him, and my life was dedicated to serve Him, but God's love knows no bounds. His gifts are endless; His loving kindness without compare. There is no limit to how much He loves us. There is no limit to how much He loves me. That miserable creature that I was no longer exists, and I can only offer my praise and thanksgiving in return for all He has blessed me with. I don't deserve the mercy He has shown me, but I accept it gladly and with the humbleness and thanksgiving it deserves.

I still have guilt that I have to deal with, but God is cleaning house. It's okay to remember our errors, but only Christ can lift the burdens from our heart. I have so much of it though, that it's been a slow process. At times I've felt crushed under the weight of it, and there is no way that I could bear this for long without Jesus holding me up. I spent years staying high so I wouldn't have to think about all my failures and deeds, but then there was always the guilt of that, too. There is no way to deal with this without nailing it to the Cross!

I can look back on my past now with a clearer vision, and I can see instances where God's hand was upon me. He kept me from crossing certain lines -- ones that I would have never been able to return from. He also blessed me by putting Kim's grandmother in my life. Her name was Addie, and she was the most Godly woman I have ever met. I never had a grandmother of my own, but she called me her grandson and loved me dearly. Her unfailing love for me, and her non-judgmental character, gave me my first glimpse into the heart of a loving God. Julia told me that the day I accepted Christ as my Savior, her mother rejoiced along with the angels in Heaven.

The Lord also placed a special man in my life that visited me at the Nevada County jail (while I was awaiting this last sentence): Sam Perez. He spent time talking to me about Jesus and praying for me, and I am thankful for his effort on behalf of our Lord. The seeds he helped plant took root. And as Sam wrote to me recently, 'The Lord has restored what the locusts had eaten!'

Yes. My family has been restored to me.  I have held my granddaughter, and basked in her beauty.  I have hugged my daughter, and told her how precious and dear she is to me.

I still feel ashamed of how I've neglected my daughter in the past, and I am even a little embarrassed to be around her. But I love her with all my heart, and I will do all I can to show her that I can be the father she never had, that I should have been. I pray daily that she will find it in her heart to truly forgive me, and that we can finally have a true father-daughter relationship.

I have witnessed to my mother, and I believe that the Lord will come into her life and that she will be saved. I was never a very good son to her before. I wasn't ever there for her when she was in need. Through Christ, I pray she will find the healing and comfort that only He can bring. I've also been in communication and prayer with my 'other mom,' Julia. She has told me that she never 'hated' me, that I was always a special and dear person to her. She even asked me to forgive her for not being a better witness! Julia's heart is full of the love of Christ, and I praise God for placing her in my life, and keeping me in her prayers for all these years.

The love of my life has also been reconciled to me. Twenty-five years ago, Kim was the first person to ever tell me about Christ's love, and I have been blessed to be able to 'complete the circle' and remind her of just how much He really and truly does love us. After witnessing the miracle that God has made of my life, and through my testimony, she has come back to her first love, Jesus Christ. She had grown impatient waiting for her prayers to be answered, and had turned her life from the Lord. But He never turned from her. 'If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.' (2Tim. 2:13). And through the amazing power of our Savior, Kim has found it in her heart to forgive me and come back to her other most precious love: me.

I find it incomprehensible that she loves this man that I am becoming, tattooed face and all, but she told me that when she looks at me, she can only see the love of Christ shining through these stripes on my face. She also said that it was never the boy of 25 years ago that she held onto her love for: It was the man she knew that I could be.Kim has agreed to marry me again, without any fear or reservations. My love for her knows no bounds, and I utterly and completely adore her. 'Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.' (Prov 5:18). I rejoice daily! While our love story would fill a book, the miracles that are happening in both of our lives can only be credited to God. What an awesome God we worship!

I do not and never have deserved one good thing in my life. I deserved death and an eternity in hell. Through God's grace, He pulled me out of the depths of hell and blessed me with so very much. '(I AM) the Living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.' (Rev.1:18) Christ used His keys, and released me from my bondage. I may be serving my time in a prison cell, but my chains are broken and I have miraculously been set free.

It has taken about eight months for the wounds in my side to heal. Up until recently, that whole area where I was stapled together remained numb. I'm now feeling the pain from the severe nerve damage that was caused from being sliced open, and it is a constant reminder of the life I lived before. I will not take pain medication, as it is a 'thorn in the flesh' that I gladly accept. I consider it a very small price to pay for this eternal gift of life I have been given in Christ Jesus.

My name is Jack I. Miller. I was reborn on April 20, 2007. I'll never be able to express my gratitude to the Lord for His sacrifice or for loving me, and saving me. I dedicate my entire existence to my God, my Lord, my Redeemer and Savior Jesus Christ. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving me back my heart ... for giving me back my mind ... for giving me back my life ' and for giving me back my family. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for restoring my soul. May this earthly vessel be used by You, for Your Glory and Honor, in Your service and through Your might.

As you've been reading this testimony, you may have thought: Well, I've never been that depraved!  Then thank God for that!  I, too, always managed to justify myself by comparing the horrible deeds I'd done to those of others that I thought were worse.

If you feel that you are more wicked than I have been, and there's no hope for YOU, then let me tell you something ...

And if you feel that your story, and you, are even more wicked than I have been, and that there's no hope for you, then let me tell you something. God sees all of mankind's sin as an abomination. There is no person on this earth who is worthy of His redemption. We all fall short. It is only through the grace of God that we can be made acceptable in His sight. If you turn from your miserable ways -- if you call out to Christ to save you and repent of your sins, He is just and kind and will answer your prayers, but don't be deceived. No evil act will ever go unpunished, unless it is repented of to God, and asked His forgiveness for, which is only granted because of what Jesus Christ accomplished on the cross for humanity.  It is the only way to have the eternal wrath of God removed off a person's life for the sins they have committed:

For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and He will repay every man according to his deeds.  (Matt.16:27 RSV).

If you don't turn and repent from your sinful ways, only an eternity in hell will await you.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. (Gal. 6:7-8)

'But I will warn you whom to fear; fear the One who, after He was killed, has authority to cast into hell; yes, I tell you, fear Him!' (Luke 12:5).

For the word of God Is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:12-16)

I serve a new Master now, the Master of Creation! I am humbly and fearfully Yours, my Sovereign God, and I am well and truly blessed.

In Christ, May You Also Be Blessed...