I was quite fascinated though, by death and what might happen after a person died - where they go or if there was an after-life at all.
I liked the idea that there might be a God but I believed my parents who thought that those things were ridiculous - like Santa Clause or the tooth fairy.
When I left school I got into bands and I did that, off and on for the next twenty years. I did a lot of drinking and smoked a lot of pot and also I was a voracious reader. I studied all sorts of beliefs and got into meditation, occult, new age stuff and did even read the Bible quite a lot as I was fascinated by the book of revelation. I was very drawn to the person of Jesus.
But these things led me nowhere in coming to any conclusions as to what the truth might be regarding the meaning of life.
I experienced a lot of supernatural things too but I couldn't see any order or logic in these things -- they seemed to be random events that told me that -- yes -- there was something beyond this world but at the same time it would not be defined or reveal it's truth to me.
The excesses of my lifestyle sent me into depression for a long time and also my music career was going nowhere. By the age of about 44 I had decided to give up on music altogether and I got into construction work and actually started to feel a whole lot more together in myself.
I also came to a dead end in my spiritual searching, and to be honest for the first time in my life, I was pretty happy. I was fit because I was doing physical work and I had calmed down a great deal with drinking -- I had not smoked marijuana for years and I was happy to be living a simpler lifestyle altogether.
I thought: Whatever happens - happens - nobody knows the truth and I won't find out what it is until after I die.
Well - God had other plans.
I was on my own at home one evening and had been tempted to buy a bag of marijuana substitute from a head shop in town earlier in the week. I decided to have a smoke -- thinking it would be milder than the real thing and since I hadn't smoked it in so long I didn't want to get into any bad habits.
It turns out that this stuff was soon to become infamous for causing deaths, heart attacks and psychosis and when I smoked some I quickly realized I was in some serious trouble.
The first thing I noticed was that it was coming on really strong and I had to lay down. Then I became aware of my heart which seemed to be beating like a drum -- harder and harder as if it would leave my chest.
I thought: Am I going to have a heart attack?
Then I felt as though I was losing all sensation in my body. If I touched my face I couldn't feel anything. I could not feel my skin; it was like rubber.
I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, but I could not feel it at all.
As I lay back down, I felt a new sensation. It was as though I was receding from all my senses. Almost as though I was going to pass out but whenever I closed my eyes I became aware of going into a very dark place.
What I mean is that once my eyes closed it was as though I passed through some kind of gateway into a lightless dark place that felt very real and in which I was still conscious - put simply, my soul seemed to be leaving my body.
It was a strange feeling because I found it hard to keep my eyes open, but whenever I closed them I was pulled into this place - but I was very much awake.
As I wrestled with this feeling, I decided that I would just have to go with it and once the drugs wore off or once I had finally fallen asleep I would hopefully wake up next morning okay.
I entered fully into this state and it became clear to me that this was a real place and it didn't feel good at all, and that if I was stuck there, then I'd be on the other side of a wall from which I would never be able to reach my family ever again or tell them where I was.
It was completely black. The darkness seemed thick and went through me. It was dank and cold but at the same time it felt as though there was an angry fire in the same substance.
I started to have thoughts. The first thought that came to me was: This is death. I thought: This is the absolute absence of life. I felt that wherever life was, it was not here. I was very aware that in our normal life - that what we have is not a given - it is something we are experiencing - but we can still exist without life - and I am here in this place - in death - and I am still aware - I am not gone.
I also became aware that I was in eternity. I was experiencing a peculiar feeling that time was not there. There was a distinct feeling of its absence; like - for example - you would not know whether 10 minutes or 10000 years had passed. There was no sense that time was passing.
I felt I was in eternity - and I felt that I could be here and never get out because there was no time to pass so there is no end to it -- the moment is forever. And I felt that I was on the other side of some kind of wall and that you who was alive -- you were on the other side, and my family and everybody would not know where I was. I would never be able to tell them, I am HERE! I am in this horrible place! I would want to tell them but they would never know where I was.
Then I thought: This is hell. It was complete loneliness - completely cut off from life - cut off from what we have. And I thought next: I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I would not wish this on Adolf Hitler -- (which is strange because when I have seen other testimonies of similar experiences, they often say the same thing about not wishing it on Adolf Hitler). It was almost as though the place itself was saying that no human should be there - but I was there.
What I came to understand from this place was that everything that I had ever done - good or bad - had absolutely no value.
All the experience I had gained in seeking spiritual truth meant nothing. It had no value: All my songwriting - my music - it meant nothing. It had no value now.
This place seemed to be saying: These things have no value. These things do not make it good. These things do not get you out of this place. You are in nothingness and nothing that you have done has qualified you to get out of here.
All the hard things I had been through when I was a kid. I used to get bullied. I went through long periods of depression. I struggled with certain things in my life. I overcame certain things. I just kept feeling: It all means nothing; totally meaningless.
It could be as if you had been through a heroic experience in a war and you had saved lots of lives and got a medal but still - It means nothing.
Nothing that you have done means anything, and also a real sense that the whole direction of my life somehow had been wrong. I was not living for the right reasons. I was not very sure what the right reasons were but I had a feeling that to be a good person or a better person, I was not looking in the right places.
I liked the idea that there might be a God but I believed my parents who thought that those things were ridiculous - like Santa Clause or the tooth fairy.
When I left school I got into bands and I did that, off and on for the next twenty years. I did a lot of drinking and smoked a lot of pot and also I was a voracious reader. I studied all sorts of beliefs and got into meditation, occult, new age stuff and did even read the Bible quite a lot as I was fascinated by the book of revelation. I was very drawn to the person of Jesus.
But these things led me nowhere in coming to any conclusions as to what the truth might be regarding the meaning of life.
I experienced a lot of supernatural things too but I couldn't see any order or logic in these things -- they seemed to be random events that told me that -- yes -- there was something beyond this world but at the same time it would not be defined or reveal it's truth to me.
The excesses of my lifestyle sent me into depression for a long time and also my music career was going nowhere. By the age of about 44 I had decided to give up on music altogether and I got into construction work and actually started to feel a whole lot more together in myself.
I also came to a dead end in my spiritual searching, and to be honest for the first time in my life, I was pretty happy. I was fit because I was doing physical work and I had calmed down a great deal with drinking -- I had not smoked marijuana for years and I was happy to be living a simpler lifestyle altogether.
I thought: Whatever happens - happens - nobody knows the truth and I won't find out what it is until after I die.
Well - God had other plans.
I was on my own at home one evening and had been tempted to buy a bag of marijuana substitute from a head shop in town earlier in the week. I decided to have a smoke -- thinking it would be milder than the real thing and since I hadn't smoked it in so long I didn't want to get into any bad habits.
It turns out that this stuff was soon to become infamous for causing deaths, heart attacks and psychosis and when I smoked some I quickly realized I was in some serious trouble.
The first thing I noticed was that it was coming on really strong and I had to lay down. Then I became aware of my heart which seemed to be beating like a drum -- harder and harder as if it would leave my chest.
I thought: Am I going to have a heart attack?
Then I felt as though I was losing all sensation in my body. If I touched my face I couldn't feel anything. I could not feel my skin; it was like rubber.
I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, but I could not feel it at all.
As I lay back down, I felt a new sensation. It was as though I was receding from all my senses. Almost as though I was going to pass out but whenever I closed my eyes I became aware of going into a very dark place.
What I mean is that once my eyes closed it was as though I passed through some kind of gateway into a lightless dark place that felt very real and in which I was still conscious - put simply, my soul seemed to be leaving my body.
It was a strange feeling because I found it hard to keep my eyes open, but whenever I closed them I was pulled into this place - but I was very much awake.
As I wrestled with this feeling, I decided that I would just have to go with it and once the drugs wore off or once I had finally fallen asleep I would hopefully wake up next morning okay.
I entered fully into this state and it became clear to me that this was a real place and it didn't feel good at all, and that if I was stuck there, then I'd be on the other side of a wall from which I would never be able to reach my family ever again or tell them where I was.
It was completely black. The darkness seemed thick and went through me. It was dank and cold but at the same time it felt as though there was an angry fire in the same substance.
I started to have thoughts. The first thought that came to me was: This is death. I thought: This is the absolute absence of life. I felt that wherever life was, it was not here. I was very aware that in our normal life - that what we have is not a given - it is something we are experiencing - but we can still exist without life - and I am here in this place - in death - and I am still aware - I am not gone.
I also became aware that I was in eternity. I was experiencing a peculiar feeling that time was not there. There was a distinct feeling of its absence; like - for example - you would not know whether 10 minutes or 10000 years had passed. There was no sense that time was passing.
I felt I was in eternity - and I felt that I could be here and never get out because there was no time to pass so there is no end to it -- the moment is forever. And I felt that I was on the other side of some kind of wall and that you who was alive -- you were on the other side, and my family and everybody would not know where I was. I would never be able to tell them, I am HERE! I am in this horrible place! I would want to tell them but they would never know where I was.
Then I thought: This is hell. It was complete loneliness - completely cut off from life - cut off from what we have. And I thought next: I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I would not wish this on Adolf Hitler -- (which is strange because when I have seen other testimonies of similar experiences, they often say the same thing about not wishing it on Adolf Hitler). It was almost as though the place itself was saying that no human should be there - but I was there.
What I came to understand from this place was that everything that I had ever done - good or bad - had absolutely no value.
All the experience I had gained in seeking spiritual truth meant nothing. It had no value: All my songwriting - my music - it meant nothing. It had no value now.
This place seemed to be saying: These things have no value. These things do not make it good. These things do not get you out of this place. You are in nothingness and nothing that you have done has qualified you to get out of here.
All the hard things I had been through when I was a kid. I used to get bullied. I went through long periods of depression. I struggled with certain things in my life. I overcame certain things. I just kept feeling: It all means nothing; totally meaningless.
It could be as if you had been through a heroic experience in a war and you had saved lots of lives and got a medal but still - It means nothing.
Nothing that you have done means anything, and also a real sense that the whole direction of my life somehow had been wrong. I was not living for the right reasons. I was not very sure what the right reasons were but I had a feeling that to be a good person or a better person, I was not looking in the right places.
It was not just a case of not doing enough good things -- it was an entirely different outlook which I had not found and as a result of that: I am here. I am in hell. I have missed the point. Everything I have ever done has no meaning. It is like -- all that time you spent building a family home -- all the time you spent making it to the top of your career -- all the trouble you have been through -- all the hardship -- the whole life you have lived sorrowful and suffering -- it means nothing. It means nothing - it means totally nothing. It has not established anything good in you - or value - not to whoever was in control of this reality anyway.
And the next thought was: There is a God. Because I knew that this place was the absolute absence of Him.
I felt that this place of darkness is what you have without Him - but when you have got Him - you have got all the other good stuff: Life. Eternal life, (as Jesus promises in the Bible to give to those who make Him their Savior and make [let] Him be their Lord of all).
And I realized life is such a gift from God. God has loaned it to us while we are on earth. When you walk down the street, and you look at the sea and stuff like that, you are just borrowing it from God. It is on loan from Him. He is so much hoping we do not squander it. He is so much hoping that we will demonstrate our appreciation for Him loaning it to us, and the ONLY way we can do that is to first have our sins against Him removed. Our sins separate us from Him. That is WHY He provided mankind with a Savior. A Savior who took our punishment on the cross for our sins, so our sins would no longer separate us from God -- so God would forgive them. So we could experience ETERNAL life with God for eternity -- not spending eternity in the total absence from Him.
So I am thinking: There is a God. I am in complete darkness and yet I know this.
In the past I have had all kinds of concepts about what God is. I thought: God is everything. God is in a table. God is you. God is me -- all that stuff - but what I came to understand in this darkness -- not seeing anything -- no one speaking to me -- the sudden realization hit me: He is the One in the Bible.
I just knew it was Him, and I knew that regardless of what I knew about science and all the other spiritual beliefs that there are, the God that made it all is the one in that black leather Bible. It came as a total shock to me because I thought that the Judeo - Christian God was just one particular manifestation of truth in the Middle East. But this place was saying: No - it is Him - and everything else has no value. It was a shock to me, but I knew it was true.
Anyway - I must have finally fallen asleep or maybe even died for a period -- only God knows. Yet I woke up the next morning.
Suddenly, from having felt very comfortable about my life, I was feeling very edgy. I was thinking that I really needed to get to the bottom of this thing and I decided to contact a church.
Somewhere in my mind I had the idea that by being baptized I would be able to fix this dilemma. I had never been christened as a child and I thought that because of the crucifixion, all you had to do to be alright with God was to be baptized.
Following this erroneous assumption, I got in touch with a Baptist church. Since I reckoned Baptists must be specialized in water baptism, I asked if I could have a meeting with them. I was contacted shortly thereafter and went down to meet David, the pastor of the church in their library.
I told him all that had happened to me and he then proceeded to explain to me that water baptism was something that you did after becoming a Christian. It is an act of obedience to disciples of Jesus Christ. [Staff note: God wants His disciples understanding WHY water baptism is so important. You can read Chapter 6 in the Book of Romans to gain understanding]. I have to say that this notion had not occurred to me, even though I had been to hell and realized the true God was the One in the bible. I had not really thought that I might be pointed towards becoming a Christian.
I started thinking: A Christian? ME a Christian? How could that work?
The pastor asked me some questions. Do you consider yourself a sinner?
Yes, I answered.
Do you believe in God? Do you believe Jesus is the Son of God? Do you believe He paid the penalty for all your sins by dying on the cross? Do you believe He was raised from the dead?
Yes, I answered to all these questions.
Then he took me through a prayer and I was thinking to myself: I do not think anything is happening.
He then asked me if I would like to come to church on the following Sunday and I said that I might come along.
And that was that. I did not think any change had taken place at first, but soon thereafter I started to feel a strange sensation deep within me. It was like a stormy sea was churning in my guts and I started to go to my knees whenever I could get alone and start to confess any sins that I could think of.
That Sunday I went to church. Within about five minutes I was thinking: I cannot do this. I felt like everybody was being too nice and I could not see myself fitting into that environment.
So for the next few days I am trying to pray whenever I could to get my sins forgiven and I was thinking more and more about being a Christian - God - the Bible - is the Book of Revelation in the Bible true? But up until this point I still had not shared any of this with anybody apart from the pastor.
On the following Wednesday I was sitting in my studio room where all my music equipment was and I was in a chair at one side of the room. I was sitting, thinking about nothing in particular, but at the same time I was still thinking about all this Christian stuff. It was like something had been set in motion and I was totally preoccupied with these thoughts.
Suddenly, without warning I was thrown out of my chair and over to the other side of the room onto my face!
I am on my knees and I have my face on the floor and I am aware of someone who is incredibly powerful standing over me, and I am completely in bits.
And the next thought was: There is a God. Because I knew that this place was the absolute absence of Him.
I felt that this place of darkness is what you have without Him - but when you have got Him - you have got all the other good stuff: Life. Eternal life, (as Jesus promises in the Bible to give to those who make Him their Savior and make [let] Him be their Lord of all).
And I realized life is such a gift from God. God has loaned it to us while we are on earth. When you walk down the street, and you look at the sea and stuff like that, you are just borrowing it from God. It is on loan from Him. He is so much hoping we do not squander it. He is so much hoping that we will demonstrate our appreciation for Him loaning it to us, and the ONLY way we can do that is to first have our sins against Him removed. Our sins separate us from Him. That is WHY He provided mankind with a Savior. A Savior who took our punishment on the cross for our sins, so our sins would no longer separate us from God -- so God would forgive them. So we could experience ETERNAL life with God for eternity -- not spending eternity in the total absence from Him.
So I am thinking: There is a God. I am in complete darkness and yet I know this.
In the past I have had all kinds of concepts about what God is. I thought: God is everything. God is in a table. God is you. God is me -- all that stuff - but what I came to understand in this darkness -- not seeing anything -- no one speaking to me -- the sudden realization hit me: He is the One in the Bible.
I just knew it was Him, and I knew that regardless of what I knew about science and all the other spiritual beliefs that there are, the God that made it all is the one in that black leather Bible. It came as a total shock to me because I thought that the Judeo - Christian God was just one particular manifestation of truth in the Middle East. But this place was saying: No - it is Him - and everything else has no value. It was a shock to me, but I knew it was true.
Anyway - I must have finally fallen asleep or maybe even died for a period -- only God knows. Yet I woke up the next morning.
Suddenly, from having felt very comfortable about my life, I was feeling very edgy. I was thinking that I really needed to get to the bottom of this thing and I decided to contact a church.
Somewhere in my mind I had the idea that by being baptized I would be able to fix this dilemma. I had never been christened as a child and I thought that because of the crucifixion, all you had to do to be alright with God was to be baptized.
Following this erroneous assumption, I got in touch with a Baptist church. Since I reckoned Baptists must be specialized in water baptism, I asked if I could have a meeting with them. I was contacted shortly thereafter and went down to meet David, the pastor of the church in their library.
I told him all that had happened to me and he then proceeded to explain to me that water baptism was something that you did after becoming a Christian. It is an act of obedience to disciples of Jesus Christ. [Staff note: God wants His disciples understanding WHY water baptism is so important. You can read Chapter 6 in the Book of Romans to gain understanding]. I have to say that this notion had not occurred to me, even though I had been to hell and realized the true God was the One in the bible. I had not really thought that I might be pointed towards becoming a Christian.
I started thinking: A Christian? ME a Christian? How could that work?
The pastor asked me some questions. Do you consider yourself a sinner?
Yes, I answered.
Do you believe in God? Do you believe Jesus is the Son of God? Do you believe He paid the penalty for all your sins by dying on the cross? Do you believe He was raised from the dead?
Yes, I answered to all these questions.
Then he took me through a prayer and I was thinking to myself: I do not think anything is happening.
He then asked me if I would like to come to church on the following Sunday and I said that I might come along.
And that was that. I did not think any change had taken place at first, but soon thereafter I started to feel a strange sensation deep within me. It was like a stormy sea was churning in my guts and I started to go to my knees whenever I could get alone and start to confess any sins that I could think of.
That Sunday I went to church. Within about five minutes I was thinking: I cannot do this. I felt like everybody was being too nice and I could not see myself fitting into that environment.
So for the next few days I am trying to pray whenever I could to get my sins forgiven and I was thinking more and more about being a Christian - God - the Bible - is the Book of Revelation in the Bible true? But up until this point I still had not shared any of this with anybody apart from the pastor.
On the following Wednesday I was sitting in my studio room where all my music equipment was and I was in a chair at one side of the room. I was sitting, thinking about nothing in particular, but at the same time I was still thinking about all this Christian stuff. It was like something had been set in motion and I was totally preoccupied with these thoughts.
Suddenly, without warning I was thrown out of my chair and over to the other side of the room onto my face!
I am on my knees and I have my face on the floor and I am aware of someone who is incredibly powerful standing over me, and I am completely in bits.
I am weeping and wailing and I know without any words spoken that this is God. That He can see right through me and that He is awesome and although I did not know the meaning of the word back then -- that He was Holy.
And this holiness was both wonderful and terrifying. I knew that Jesus was Lord and that I had been a complete fool to not have realized that from the minute that I first heard about Him how much of a fool I had been.
I was not aware of any particular sins being addressed, but I did feel that my sins were being dealt with in general.
But there was one major sin that was being addressed, and that was unbelief in Jesus and what He had done for me on the cross.
I was full of remorse for not having believed in Jesus -- failing to demonstrate my appreciation for Him taking the punishment for all my sins on the cross when He did not have to. I felt so ashamed and woefully sorry.
I was thinking: Of course it was Him. It was always going to be Him. I felt the scales fall from my eyes and knew that Jesus Christ was and is fully God, as well as the Son of God (Son of God the Father and Son of God the Holy Spirit once He was supernaturally conceived in the womb of His earthly mother Mary - though this full understanding came at a later time in my growth with the Lord).
This presence, which was invisible, started to recede from me after about 20 minutes and I started to pull myself together -- sniffing and covered in tears.
But as it receded I heard this phrase come into my mind. It was spoken without an audible voice but it was very clear and it said: Christ comes as a King, dressed in Glory. How shall He lead you, when you are not clothed in righteousness?
And as I got back up into my chair, I was feeling perplexed, because that statement did not sound good to me. It sounded as though I had not done something -- or finished the job -- or I had not passed the test.
And I am thinking: After an experience like that -- and I still have not got it right?
Besides - I had absolutely no idea what that phrase might mean. [Staff note: See the link at the end of his testimony for understanding].
I kept running it over in my mind, but it was like a riddle to me.
Something made me think of the word repentance and I looked up the meaning of the word online. It said that to repent was to turn away from sin and towards God. So I thought: Maybe I have been forgiven of my sins but I have not committed fully to God yet?
I decided to walk down to the seafront which is only a short walk away from me and I went down to the edge of the sea and the waves were crashing. I shouted: You can have everything! You can have my whole life. My dreams - my music - everything. I will go with You fully!
And then I walked back up to my house and thought: I wonder if I did it right?
When I got home it was about 3:00 pm. In all the excitement I had completely forgotten that my son was getting dropped off from school. He was seven years old at that time and the doorbell went off and it was another school mum bringing him home. He came in and as he always did, he got out his pens and started drawing Batman and Spiderman.
I left him to it and made myself a coffee. I stared out of the kitchen window -- mulling over all that had happened. I was in a daze.
Next I felt a tugging on my sleeve and it was my son. This is for you, he said, as he handed me his drawing.
And this holiness was both wonderful and terrifying. I knew that Jesus was Lord and that I had been a complete fool to not have realized that from the minute that I first heard about Him how much of a fool I had been.
I was not aware of any particular sins being addressed, but I did feel that my sins were being dealt with in general.
But there was one major sin that was being addressed, and that was unbelief in Jesus and what He had done for me on the cross.
I was full of remorse for not having believed in Jesus -- failing to demonstrate my appreciation for Him taking the punishment for all my sins on the cross when He did not have to. I felt so ashamed and woefully sorry.
I was thinking: Of course it was Him. It was always going to be Him. I felt the scales fall from my eyes and knew that Jesus Christ was and is fully God, as well as the Son of God (Son of God the Father and Son of God the Holy Spirit once He was supernaturally conceived in the womb of His earthly mother Mary - though this full understanding came at a later time in my growth with the Lord).
This presence, which was invisible, started to recede from me after about 20 minutes and I started to pull myself together -- sniffing and covered in tears.
But as it receded I heard this phrase come into my mind. It was spoken without an audible voice but it was very clear and it said: Christ comes as a King, dressed in Glory. How shall He lead you, when you are not clothed in righteousness?
And as I got back up into my chair, I was feeling perplexed, because that statement did not sound good to me. It sounded as though I had not done something -- or finished the job -- or I had not passed the test.
And I am thinking: After an experience like that -- and I still have not got it right?
Besides - I had absolutely no idea what that phrase might mean. [Staff note: See the link at the end of his testimony for understanding].
I kept running it over in my mind, but it was like a riddle to me.
Something made me think of the word repentance and I looked up the meaning of the word online. It said that to repent was to turn away from sin and towards God. So I thought: Maybe I have been forgiven of my sins but I have not committed fully to God yet?
I decided to walk down to the seafront which is only a short walk away from me and I went down to the edge of the sea and the waves were crashing. I shouted: You can have everything! You can have my whole life. My dreams - my music - everything. I will go with You fully!
And then I walked back up to my house and thought: I wonder if I did it right?
When I got home it was about 3:00 pm. In all the excitement I had completely forgotten that my son was getting dropped off from school. He was seven years old at that time and the doorbell went off and it was another school mum bringing him home. He came in and as he always did, he got out his pens and started drawing Batman and Spiderman.
I left him to it and made myself a coffee. I stared out of the kitchen window -- mulling over all that had happened. I was in a daze.
Next I felt a tugging on my sleeve and it was my son. This is for you, he said, as he handed me his drawing.
I was expecting a picture of Batman, but when I looked at what he had given me, I almost fell over!
It was a picture of Jesus as King on the clouds. Underneath Him was written: MR CHRIST. At the bottom was a Calvary hill with a cross at the top and a man on it. Out of the mouth of Jesus there was a speech bubble that said: My son - you have done the right thing.
It was a picture of Jesus as King on the clouds. Underneath Him was written: MR CHRIST. At the bottom was a Calvary hill with a cross at the top and a man on it. Out of the mouth of Jesus there was a speech bubble that said: My son - you have done the right thing.
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